Diaries Of A New Dad: The Trifecta

Being a new dad has become a very big learning experience. My son, Sutton, was born 10 weeks ago as I write this story. For those 10 weeks he has pretty much been attached to my wife. He is definitely a "momma's boy".

My day started off like any normal day. Great show, tasty lunch, and out into the sunshine! Then... Dad mode turned on...

A few days ago we bought our 9 year old daughter, Sawyer, a new bike at Target. We got it home and found that it had a faulty air valve. So, this is the day I return it back to Target, but the employee tells me, "We only have the floor model, and we can't sell you the floor model." Well, the floor model looks fine to me. It's pink and has two wheels. They call over to the other store and find that they have one in stock that they can hold for me. Perfect, I'll be right there.

Jump in the car and head out on my journey across town. The wifey calls... "Where are you?" Dreaded words no husband wants to hear. My wife told me about this "Say Yes To The Dress" event with her girlfriends a few days ago (and a few hours ago) but of course, I wasn't listening. So, I turn my car in the other direction and start heading home. I pulled into the driveway, gathered up both kiddos, but wait... Now I can't fold down the seat in my car to fit the bike and strap both kids in with car seats according to proper safety protocol. DOH!

We all pile into my wife's car so she can drop us off at "Poppa's"! My father-in-law will pretty much do anything for his grand babies and what better way to serve them than driving us out in his truck to get a bike for his granddaughter? Not all heroes wear capes. Everyone straps into his truck and away we go. If you ever drive with us, you know that I am the self-proclaimed KING of "Slug Bug" (a game of spotting VW Beetles for points. Convertibles are a bonus point. Old school version worth 3 and VW Buses worth 4 points.) Any who, we get the bike, I collect my 8 points in Slug Bug, and we are back at the house to unload the crew and the shiny new pink "big girl" bike. But wait... I felt a cold rush of blood flow through my veins.... I FORGOT MY KEYS IN MY WIFE'S CAR! I remember dropping them on the floor when she dropped us off. ARG!

This is the moment I knew the night wasn't going to go as planned. But, how do we get in the house? I got it! "Sawyer! Crawl through the doggy door!" The look she gave me was one of an annoyed teenager. But, being the trooper that she is, she crawled through the tiny little door to let us in. It's getting late at this point and it's time to start the 3 hour battle of getting everyone fed, showered, and ready for bed. At 9 years old, she is pretty self sufficient, so I'm not too worried about her bathing techniques. Now, I can focus on the boy and, up to this point, Sutton and I were just two cool dudes who love to smile, eat, and pass gas. We sit on the couch, bottle in hand and begin the process. 30 minutes later, Sawyer has yet to get in the shower, the boy is "milk drunk" and passed out, and the dogs keep barking at the neighbors doing yard work. Then... I smell it. From the depths of hell came this aroma. I never knew an 11 pound human could produce such a smell. BLOW OUT!!! 

At this moment Sutton realizes his butt has just exploded. It's up is back, down his leg, and my gag reflex kicks in... BARF! Yep, first time I have ever vomited while holding my son. I start to clean him up, trying to breathe through my mouth, but can I still taste his odor floating around the room. He relaxes, I calm down, then he decides to release a stream of pee on me, while I am grabbing a new diaper. The fire hose that was released is spraying all over me, him, the wall, and the poor dog at my feet. Will it ever stop? NO!!!

FINALLY, he is in his PJs, smiling at me and cuddled in my arms. Bliss! I take off my wet clothes and plop down onto the couch with him to finish his bottle and catch up on some SVU. I thought we were just chillin', thinking about the bonding time we just had, when he decides to spit up his bottle onto my chest. Warm baby milk barf all over me, him, and the poor dog sitting next to us that just got peed on.

This is my life... Fatherhood. And I wouldn't change it for anything. So, cheers to all the moms out there! For us dad's, this is a once in a life time story, but you mom's do this on a daily basis. Thank you and Happy Mother's Day!

Oh, in case you were wondering, she didn't say "Yes" to any of the dresses.   

This kid can pee, poop, and barf on me any day. Just look at that face!

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